Welcome to the Fleetwood/Matt NFL picks, the ONLY poorly-named weekly NFL column where two Canadians / comedians / Super Champions pick the weekly NFL games, and help you to make actual human dollars on the National Football League.
Before you Jared Scoff at us (*quits comedy forever on the strength of that joke*) please take note of our records:
Matt Ederer – 33-15-1. (*quits Canada forever on the strength of these riches*). This is likely going to flip around, but ride this wave until it does! Dolphins fan who quite frankly is enjoying the tank this season.
F Dhawg Johnston – 29-19-1 – Avid Browns fan. “We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” ― Marcel Proust
Note: Zero Browns coaching battles last week, but there will be 2 this week.
Another note: There will be much referencing of The Count
SUNDAY EARLY SLATE
Week 4 Bye Teams – New York Jets, San Francisco 49ers
Carolina Panthers (1-2) @ Houston Texans (2-1)
Matt – Matthew Ederer’s Stat-thew of the week – Greg Olsen (old, white Tight End) only has 3 fewer QB targets on the season than DeAndre Hopkins does (the best WR in football, 28 -25 targets for Hopkins through 3 games). While this is highly encouraging for Olsen fantasy owners (ayyyyy), it doesn’t bode well for the Carolina offense. Though Houston is weaker on D, I think they easily have enough to win this one at home vs yound backup QB Kyle Allen.
Matt’s Pick – Houston Texans
Fleet – Houston wins…right?
Fleet’s Pick – Houston Texans
Cleveland Browns (1-2) @ Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
Fleet – It has been a frustrating 3 weeks for myself watching 3 stinkers of Browns games.
Fleet’s Pick – Cleveland Browns
Matt – Freddie Kitchens might be the worst Head Coach in professional sports at the moment.
Matt’s Pick – Baltimore Ravens
Kansas City Chiefs (3-0) @ Detroit Lions (2-0-1)
Matt – The Chiefs are so exciting, they made me care about a Detroit Lions game! While the Lions are a touch underrated this year (they aren’t terrible, just mediocre) the Chiefs’ roster murders these mediocre Lions on paper, and should romp them IRL in Detroit.
Matt’s Pick – Kansas City Chiefs
Fleet – Kansas wins. Big day for the number 15.
Fleet’s Pick –
Los Angeles Chargers (2-1) @ Miami Dolphins (0-3)
Fleet – Horse-based team wins.
Fleet’s Pick – Los Angeles Chargers
Matt – 🙁 🙁 🙁
Matt’s Pick – Los Angeles Chargers
New England Patriots (3-0) @ Buffalo Bills (3-0)
Fleet – Browns ex-coach battle alert! (1/2)
We’ve got former Browns ex-head coach and current Patriots head coach Bill Belichick (known for nothing else of note) vs Brian Daboll ex-offense co-ordinator for the Cleveland Browns Professional American Football team who now holds the same position for the Bills. I will go with the singular Bill, not the plural Bills.
Note: Sources in the league tell me Bill’s team is also pretty good.
Fleet’s Pick – New England
Matt – How many times have wee seen this in our lives? I am 1000% certain, without even looking it up at all, that in my lifetime I have seen an undefeated Buffalo team host the Patriots in a home game at the start of the season, and get absolutely and thoroughly shit-housed by the Pats. More than once. That classic early season Buffalo optimism is breakfast to Tom Brady.
Matt’s Pick – New England Patriots until further notice
Oakland Raiders (1-2) @ Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
Matt – I don’t love this pick, as Indy is super banged up and missing many of their best players, including arguably the two best non O-linemen on the team in TY Hilton and Darius Leonard. This is a solid spot for Oakland here, very much a winnable game for them. Having said that,
Matt’s Pick – Indianapolis Colts
Fleet – Colts, due to the horse mantra. I went 2/3 on the horse-based teams this week so let me tell you 2 is definitely the numba of the week.
Fleet’s Pick – Indianapolis Colts
Tennessee Titans (1-2) @ Atlanta Falcons (1-2)
Fleet – Come onnnnn bad Atlanta team.
Fleet’s Pick – Bad Atlanta Team
Matt – I too like the not good, very bad Atlanta Falcons team at home vs a Titans team that always matches the quality of their opponent (in this case, not good, very bad).
Matt’s Pick – Atlanta Falcons
Washington Football Team (0-3) @ New York Giants (1-3)
Matt – Choose life instead.
Matt’s Pick – Washington Professional Racist Football Outfit
Fleet – Browns ex-coach battle alert! (2/2)
We have former Browns defensive co-ordinator Rob Ryan (son of Buddy) now inside linebackers coach for the redskins vs Pat Shurmur former Browns head coach and current Giants head coach. The tiebreak became who has the better hair, and this choice was easy.
Fleet’s Pick – Washington Football Racists
SUNDAY LATE SLATE
Seattle Seahawks (2-1) @ Arizona Cardinals (0-2-1)
Fleet – Pete Carroll got hit in the face with a football before losing last week. Had to show the guy some love this week.
Fleet’s Pick -Seattle Seahawks
Matt – Kinda bad ass pic for a 70 year old man who is known for his sensitivity ^^ . FOOTBALL IS A VIOLENT GAME EVEN FOR THE COACHES et cetera send tweet close phone dunk ball.
Disappointing showing from Oakland Athletic legend Kyler Murray last week. It felt like it was going to be his first win. That might not come for a while now.
Matt’s Pick – Seattle Seahawks
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-2) @ Los Angeles Rams (3-0)
Matt – I miss Josh Freeman.
Matt’s Pick – Los Angeles Rams
Fleet – Running on fumes this week, so I ask myself if there is anything even funny in this game to write about?
Fleet’s Pick – Los Angeles Rams, lol arthritis
Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) @ Denver Broncos (0-3)
Fleet – I don’t think I can pick against the Minshew II at this point.
Fleet’s Pick – Gardner Minshew II
Matt – Allow me to go the other way / be an old man here for a minute – I totally am done with Gardner Minshew. HOLY SHIT HE HAS A MUSTACHE AND STRETCHES NAKED< ISNT HE YOUR FAVOURITE>>!! ??
I get that in 2019 we only want things to be wacky and funny (& I mean this is a comedy -based football article for fuck’s sake lol we are part of that too) but every single human on earth is bending over backwards to tell you how great this guy is only because he has a mustache and stretches naked, lol. A great many of football fans / current Memeshew heads didn’t know he existed in week 1, myself included.
Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with being naked or having a ‘stache. Live your life dude. I’ve had a stache before, and while I’m not naked now I do plan on being naked again someday. It’s just that, only in 2019 could a Gardner Minshew have a 100% approval rating. Only in 2019 would a guy like Brian Urlacher incoherently yell HES A LEGEND on TV about a 6th round rookie. There’s nothing about Minshew that people aren’t eating up (and force-feeding others) with a spoon. That’s my thing here. I am burnt out on Memeshew. I want to go back to a world where if you have a honking mustache and stretch naked in the locker room, people think you’re weird. That’s all. I want to go back there so that I can allow myself to like this guy, lol. I don’t enjoy living in a world where even retired NFL players demand that you pretend Gardner Minshew is a hall-of-famer because he looks like Ron Burgandy.
Desperate Broncos team at home with a good defense wins over the rookie QB on the road.
Matt’s Pick – Denver Broncos
Minnesota Vikings (2-1) @ Chicago Bears (2-1)
Matt – Is it possible for both teams to lose a game? I am going to reluctantly take Minnesota here, but this might be a great spot for the Bears defense to absolutely feast on young Kirk Cousins.
Matt’s Pick – Minnesota with negative confidence
Fleet – Two good teams who are both very stupid and who often lose stupid games. Give me the team with Khalil Mack on it.
Fleet’s Pick – Chicago Bears
Dallas Cowboys (3-0) @ New Orleans Saints (2-1)
Fleet – The real question here is whether or not I will have a chance for anymore Count videos for this game.
Fleet’s Pick – Dallas Cowboys
Matt – Really too bad Drew Brees is injured, because this cold have been a game-of-the-year contender. Dallas proves they are a top-5 team in football with a decisive Sunday night victory.
Matt’s Pick – Dallas Cowboys
Cincinnati Bengals (0-3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3)
Matt – Ahhhhhhh I want to take Cincinnati here so, so badly. But I can’t do it. Two 0-3 teams, one of them (Bengals) is content playing for the future, one (Steelers) traded their 1st round pick in 2020 and needs to win — this season in general and this game in specific.
Pittsburgh wins a massive game on their home field against a long-time rival. It would NOT surprise me to see Cincy win this though, and I wouldn’t bet a penny I found on the ground on this game.
Matt’s Pick –
Cincinnati Bengals fuck lol Pittsburgh Steelers
Fleet – This MNF game probably had more appeal at the start of the season.
Fleet’s Pick – Cincinnati Bengals