Hello et bonjour and welcome to your favourite Canadian NFL picks column written by two comedians you’ve never seen or heard of.
We are Fleetwood Brown and Matthew Ederer, two comedians / roommates /
stoners slackers responsible hard working young men who just love the good old football game (the second best game you can name).
This week kind of sucks on paper, but we are no less enthusiastic about it. That’s not true, we’re much less enthusiastic about it.
Matt – 39-24-1 – Excited to not see the Dolphins get destroyed this week!
F-Dawg Johnston – 37-26-1 – Avid Browns fan. Games I plan on watching this week = 1. It isn’t even on Sunday which is a hint of sorts for the detective crowd out there pulling weight.
SUNDAY Oct 6 2019 – 1:00 pm
Arizona Cardinals (0-3-1) @ Cincinnati Bengals (0-4)
Matt – A winnable game for young Kyler Murray. Cincinnati has some very interesting pieces, but they are at least a couple years and an entire defense away from being a team to reckon with in the AFC.
The Cardinals will outrun the Bengals, especially with the fastest player in the league John Ross on IR.
Matt’s Pick – Arizona Cardinals, go see the Joker instead or something
Fleet- The Andy Dalton Revenge Tour continues! Give me the terrible Bengals in this game. AFC North rulez.
Fleet’s Pick – Cincinnati Bengals
Atlanta Falcons (1-3) @ Houston Texans (2-2)
Fleet – Love me some Julio. Hate me this Falcons team.
Fleet’s Pick – Houston Texans
Matt – While I don’t “hate” these Falcons, I do hate betting on them. Since losing the Superbowl to New England in Feb 2017, Atlanta is 18-19 (including an 0-1 in the playoffs). Would it shock you to see Dan Quinn fired this week?
Atlanta will be desperate, but they just might not be good. These Falcons appear to badly need a coaching change, if for no other reason than the classic sports cliche of “getting another voice in the room”.
Matt’s Pick – Houston Texans
Baltimore Ravens (2-2) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3)
Matt – It’s impossible for a game between these two teams to be bad, so expect a hard-hitting, high-impact game between two of the biggest rivals of the last 25 years of football.
One of the few bright spots on a fairly dismal Week 5 schedule, this will be a good game (that probably would have been a great game from almost any point from 2001-18).
Matt’s Pick – Baltimore Ravens
Fleet – I hope that both teams lose this game. Unfortunately they can’t, so I hope the Steelers lose because they are dumb. You are welcome for this sports analysis and expertise. Look out for me in issues of Sports Illustrated nationwide. Go Browns.
Fleet’s Pick –
Browns Baltimore Ravens
Buffalo Bills (3-1) @ Tennessee Titans (2-2)
Fleet – How ’bout we take a break from football this week to talk about CLASH oF Titans available now in the App store.
[Note: I have never downloaded or played this game.]
Just a heads up the game will make you adicted, with one d. No really read the game description. Then inevitably play the game. But don’t say I never warned you once you are single d, adicted.
Fleet’s Pick – Tennessee Titans
Matt – This is like the mirror match in the Mortal Kombat I ladder. A very run-heavy team, with something of a plain offense, featuring a QBs who isn’t very accurate, but is propped up by an extremely strong defense. They’re scrappy. They’re hard to play against. They’re…Blue. QUICK WHICH TEAM AM I DESCRIBING!!??? (Hits self in face with a pie)
Buffalo will be the sexy selection this week after looking good v New England, and thus this is the exact spot where they traditionally shit their pants for 5 consecutive games. Going to go against them for that reason in a game I can’t get a read on.
Matt’s Pick – Tennessee Titans
Chicago Bears (3-1) @ Oakland Raiders (2-2)
Matt – The Khalil Mack Bowl. Winner – Khalil Mack
Matt’s Pick – Chicago Bears
Fleet’s Pick – Chicago Bears
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2) @ Carolina Panthers (2-2)
Fleet – Browns ex-coach battle alert!
We have former Browns offensive line coach George “Call me what you want, just don’t call me late for dinner” Warhop (who now holds the same position with the Jaguars) VS former Browns offensive co-ordinator Norv “Does it smell like updog in here?” Turner, current Panthers offensive coordinator. Had to go with the more obsure of the two and thus the Jaguars.
Note: Do. Not. Call. Him. Late. for dinner.
Fleet’s Pick: – Jacksonville Jaguars
Matt – The Expansion bowl!
Incidentally, I would like to recind the things I said last week about one Gardner Minshew. It’s not that I dislike Minshew, I just dislike how we annointed him as the new Tom Brady just because he’s a living, breathing meme. I don’t dislike Gardner Minshew, I dislike the world we live in.
lol anyway, Minshew really impressed me last week, going into Denver vs a desperate team with a good defense and ending their season. Huge character win for GMII and the Jags. Let’s see if the Minshew train stays rolling down this dusty road trip.
Matt’s Pick – Jacksonville Jaguars
Minnesota Vikings (2-2) @ New York Giants (2-2)
Matt – I wouldn’t bet Eli Manning’s next contract (net value – $0) on this game.
Matt’s Pick – Minnesota Vikings avenge the Twins’ destruction last night. I guess. Kirk Cousins may also be playing his last game for all we know. Vikings with 0 confidence
Fleet – Getting paid 84 million dollars in guarantees must have been nice. It’s almost like someone with that much money would not need to try anymore.
Still picked his team for some reason.
Fleet’s Pick – Minnesota Vikings
New England Patriots (4-0) @ Washington (0-4)
Fleet – Patriots win again. What a dance this NFL season always ends up being.
Fleet’s Pick – New England Patriots
Matt’s Pick –
Washington Redskins (hits self in the face with 52 pies) New England Patriots
New York Jets (0-3) @ Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
Matt – The Jets have one offensive touchdown in their last three games.
Matt’s Pick – Philadelphia Eagles
Fleet’s Pick – Philadelphia Eagles
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2) @ New Orleans Saints (3-1)
Fleet – This game could be fun. Hopefully the Bucs don’t turn it over a million times.
Fleet’s Pick – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Matt – Going with the Saints here, but I don’t love it. New Orleans are taking a lot of penalites, specifically on the O-line. The Bucs’ front seven appears to be their strong suit, and that alone could be a big factor in this game. I’m not sure New Orleans can protect Teddy.
Having said that, I still need to see Jameis do it one more time. That Rams game last week was an abberation, I don’t think we can expect 55-40 scores every week up and down the league. I’m not saying throw that game out entirely, but I am expecting a much tighter game here, one where Jameis will have to make some huge throws down the stretch vs the Saints defense and specifically Marshon Lattimore.
Matt’s Pick – New Orleans Saints
SUNDAY LATE SLATE
Denver Broncos (0-4) @ Los Angeles Chargers (2-2)
Matt – Friends, we live in a world where certain societal transgressions are loudly reacted and often overreacted to. Considering the speed at which things move these days, I think that all of us, even the most “woke”, can struggle to establish just exactly where the goalposts are today, and where they will be tomorrow.
Frankly speaking, I do not know if it is still OK in 2019 to make fun of people who have visibly undergone numerous plastic surgerys. I’m not sure if we have crossed a point where such surgeries (the humour of which generally, at least for me, comes from their self-imposed nature and consistently terrifying results) are off limits. I don’t know where the goalposts are on this particular topic, and frankly I’m not sure that such comments are appropriate any longer in this day and age.
What I do know, though, is that I have five jokes about John Elway’s disgusting, ghoulish face that I can’t choose between.
- John Elway looks like someone threw a painting of John Elway into a campfire
- John Elway looks like Beto O’Rourke fucked a cantaloupe
- John Elway looks like that rotting TMNT Costume that nobody wanted to buy at that auction last week
- John Elway looks like that one neighbourhood dad who is way too eager to go camping with the kids
- Baywatch called, they also haven’t been relevant since 1997 (hit that 90’s premise!)
The last one wasn’t about his “face” per se, but then again height isn’t the most important skill in football John Elway you terrifying orange melon man.
This pick was my job application to Barstool.
Matt’s Pick – Los Angeles Chargers
Fleet – Horse-bowl 2019! Get your horseshoes, sugar cubes, hay, saddles, stirrups and other horse-based items ready for this battle of the ages. What an exciting world we live in.
Fleet’s Pick -Los Angeles Chargers
Green Bay Packers (3-1) @ Dallas Cowboys (3-1)
Fleet – Best game of Sunday or so the NFL hopes. I guess we may find out.
I could spend a bunch of time breaking down this game, but as the American Constitution says:
Fleet’s Pick – Dallas Cowboys
Matt – Insert cliche about how we might see this game in the playoffs here.
Best game of the week by far. With Devante Adams out and the Pack playing on the road, Dallas seems to have the advantage., but Green Bay has a great defense this season and Dak struggled last week vs a good Saints defense. Take Dallas in a squeaker, but bet on a different game probably.
Matt’s Pick – Dallas Cowboys
Indianapolis Colts (2-2) @ Kansas City Chiefs (4-0)
Matt – Gotta go with KC here, but I am starting Nyheim Hines in a 16-team fantasy league this week, so I will be watching this game / irrationally angry at this game because of a preconceived notion that Hines may actually get a few touches in this one.
Matt’s Pick – Kansas City Chiefs
Fleet – The NFL is probably the more frustrated with Luck retiring than the Colts. Not that Jacoby is a bad QB. The 3 SNF games they have this year were a little more intriguing with Luck at QB.
Fleet’s Pick – Kansas City Chiefs
Cleveland Browns (2-2) @ San Francisco 49ers (3-0)
Fleet – Gonna pick this team to win every week. Go Chubb!
Fleet’s Pick – Cleveland Browns
Matt – I really hate picking Freddie Kitchens.
Matt’s Pick – Cleveland Browns