F-Dawg Johnston – Last Week 6-8, Overall 48-44-1 – Things come and go. I think I can almost say my fandom of both the NFL and the Browns is finally almost gone. File this into the chapter titled: Better Things I Can Do Throughout A Sunday Than 3-11hrs Of Football. If the Browns beat the Patriots next week I am sure I’d rumble back to the team like a young Peyton Jillis. You can file that in the chapter: Things that won’t happen; and 5 simple Halloween decorations that will turn your next party from a boo to Boo-yah!
I will finish up this, season of picks! Because bailing would be evil.
Note: Like the Browns you can consider this my bye week.
Matt Ederer – Last Week 7-7, Overall 54-39-1. Avid Dolphins fan. Free from the weight of promise and expectation (unlike Fleetwood’s Browns) I for one am enjoying #theprocess this season. Give me that disgusting mediocre football in the name of the greater good. Picked Joe Flacco on Thursday, because I am an idiot. The rest of the season has been fairly decent though.
Arizona Cardinals (2-3-1, 12th in NFC) @ New York Giants (2-4, 13th in NFC)
Matt – Kyler Murray vs Daniel Jones in the Offensive Rookie of the Year Bowl (sponsored by Carl’s Jr.)!
Regardless of who has the better year and even career, I guarantee that this meaningless game in the middle of the season will be shoehorned into the decision making for OROTY for Jones and Murray. If Murray wins, he’s all but got it locked up. If Jones wins, you’re going to hear a lot of Mike Francesca-types yelling stuff like “BUT LEMME ASK YOU, WHAT HAPPENED WHEN KYLAH PLAYED DANNY DIMES”
Matt’s Pick – Heart says KYLAH aka Arizona Cardinals, but I gotta go with DANNY DIMES aka New York Football Giants
Fleet’s Pick – Arizona Cardinals
Houston Texans (4-2, 3rd in AFC) @ Indianapolis Colts (3-2, 7th in AFC)
Fleet – Yes, you are reading that right grandma. I have picked horse-based team the Colts this week.
Fleet’s Pick – Indianapolis Colts
Matt – This is going to be a great game. They split the season series last year but met again in the playoffs, a game that the Andrew Luck-led Colts won 21-7. Houston is not afraid to play in Lucas Oil Stadium, having won three of their past four in Indy’s barn.
Tough game, one that I will be watching for pleasure and not for fiduciary gain. Give me the Texans as a narrow winner, to avenge last season’s playoff loss.
Matt’s Pick – Houston Texans
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4, 9th in AFC) @ Cincinnati Bengals (0-6, 16th in AFC)
A real battle of who wants it less. Jacksonville just traded away their best player (CB Jalen Ramsay), and QB rookie sensation Gardner Minshew II appears to finally be coming down to Earth (in the eyes of social media I mean, he was always here on Earth if you were watching football games with your eyes). On the opposite side, Cincinnati has played so badly this year that they’re longing for the days of Marv Lewis.
If this were the NBA, I would take Cincinnati, because this would be the exact moment that the Jags started leaning into a spirited tank. Football is different as 31 non-Miami Dolphins teams have shown this season, but I still think this is as good a spot for Cincy as they’re going to find all season.
I wouldn’t bet a dime that I found on the ground on this game, but I’m feeling Cincy’s first win in this, the battle of the two cheesiest jerseys in the NATIONAL. FOOTBALL. LEAGUE.
Matt’s Pick – Cincinnati Bengals
Fleet – Ugh this game.
Fleet’s Pick – Jacksonville Jaguars
Los Angeles Rams (3-3, 10th in NFC) @ Atlanta Falcons (1-5, 15th in NFC)
Matt – You never *cheer* for someone to lose their job of course, but I think we can all agree that we’re confused as to how Dan Quinn is still drawing a regular check for his professional services. Rams win the Jalen Ramsay debut game, and hack sportswriters (such as myself) everywhere speculate for another week about Dan Quinn’s contractual status.
Matt’s Pick – Los Angeles Rams
Fleet – To paraphrase Mr. Burns: Who’s that goat helmeted team? I like the cut of their jib.
Fleet’s Pick – Los Angeles Rams
Miami Dolphins (0-5, 15th in AFC) @ Buffalo Bills (4-1, 5th in AFC)
Fleet – Will Buffalo win today?
Fleet’s Pick – Buffalo Bills
Matt – I have a Miami Dolphins Superbowl toque that I like to wear. It is from 1972.
In 2019, Miami has scored 42 points in 5 games.
Matt’s Pick – Buffalo Bills
Minnesota Vikings (4-2, 6th in NFC) @ Detroit Lions (2-2-1, 9th in NFC)
Matt – The 2019 Detroit Lions are the greatest 2-2-1 team in NFL history.
Matt’s Pick – The 2019 Detroit Lions
Fleet’s Pick – Detroit Lions
Oakland Raiders (3-2, 6th in AFC) @ Green Bay Packers (5-1, 2nd in NFC)
Fleet –Yippee! Green Bay, Wisconsin wins.
Fleet’s Pick – Green Bay Packers
Matt – It’s tempting to take Oakland here, since Green Bay’s WR corps is so beaten down by injury. However, new #1 WR Allen Lazard looks like a real one. The undrafted WR was a three-time All-Big 12 WR in college for Iowa State, and Aaron Rodgers personally requested that he enter the game last week as injuries started to pile up.
The Packers also snagged former Raider Ryan Grant, whose knowledge of the Oakland offensive schemes certainly wont hurt the Packers. Another thing that won’t hurt – Oakland hasn’t gone into Green Bay and won since the 1980s.
Matt’s Pick –
San Francisco 49ers (5-0, 1st in NFC) @ Washington (1-5, 16th in NFC)
Matt – As someone who is under the age of 50 and thus has no recollection of Washington ever being worth 0.1 of a shit in the National Football League, I personally relish their decline. Fans are leaving in droves, jersey sales are at an all time low, and with the Nationals and Capitals being so legitimately good, the NFL team matters less than ever in DC.
If you’re reading this and you’re a Washington fan, I want you to know that I relocate your team every time I buy a Madden game. You’re garbage. Not you as a person, but you as a sports fan — and also, a little bit you as a person. You are cheering for a racial slur. I know there are lots of racists in Washington and something something Donald Trump, but the fact remains. If you’re a Washington pro football fan, you are wearing, cheering for and supporting racism.
I hope San Fran wins this game by 95 points. And YES this is partially fueled by the win over the Dolphins last week, in a game we literally gave to you on a silver platter because we wanted the better draft pick. It’s mostly because I have a working brain inside of my head.
Matt’s Pick – The Washington team will change it’s name in my lifetime. San Francicso Shadenfraudie-9ers by 900,000 points.
Fleet – Washington is a stupid franchise. They have a terrible medical staff that missed the growth of a tumor on one of their player’s heads. Now they won’t trade the man, who for obvious reasons wants to leave. They have an uninspired roster. To top it all off they still have that logo and name. The NFL should give Washington the rest of the year off. Daniel Snyder and Bruce Allen can go out to the country somewhere. Find a big rock next to a tree. Sit on rock. Enjoy the shade. Think about life. See a black volcanic rock that is out of place for the rock wall next to them. Under the rock they find a letter and $1000. They go join Andy in Mexico. Never to be seen again.
Fleet’s Pick – San Francisco 49ers
SUNDAY LATE SLATE
Los Angeles Chargers (2-4, 11th in AFC) @ Tennessee Titans (2-4, 12th in AFC)
Fleet – Ex-Browns coach battle of the week alert.
In one corner we have current Chargers QB coach (and former Browns offensive quality control coach for the quarterbacks (2013)) Shane “The Stool” Steichen. And in the the other corner we have current Titans offensive assistant (and former Browns assistant to the head coach (2009-2012)) Luke “The Chair” Steckel. Big fan of stools these days I went that direction with the pick.
Note: Also got that horse-based team pick swagger going on, cause ya’ll know me, still the same OG.
Fleet’s Pick – Los Angeles Chargers
Matt – While my dander is up here, let me rant about this one too. Holy shit, I hate this game. I thought we were done with punk-ass Ryan Tannehill, punk-ass QB who clowns teammates in practice for making less money than he does.
I hate the Chargers as much as the next guy, but I just can’t pick Ryan Tannehill, a man who visibly sucks at his job but openly makes fun of teammates for being paid less than him. If Ryan Tannehill were signing autographs across the street, I would close my curtains. I would call in a noise complaint. Actually scratch that one, it would be empty and silent. There wouldn’t be a human being within 500 yards of that event. You would be able to hear a pin drop at a Ryan Tannehill autograph signing.
Matt’s Pick – LA Chargers
New Orleans Saints (5-1, 3rd in NFC) @ Chicago Bears (3-2, 8th in NFC)
Matt – Mitch Trubisky is returning to the Bears this week!
Matt’s Pick – New Orleans Saints
Fleet – The Bears looking horrendous last week. But I went with ’em this week because…
As the saying goes, give me Trubisky or give me death or give me the Love Guru 2 ! ( fate worse than 1000 Trubiskys and about 73 deaths)
Fleet’s Pick – Chicago Bears
Baltimore Ravens (4-2, 4th in AFC) @ Seattle Seahawks (5-1, 5th in NFC)
Matt – Earl Thomas Revenge Bowl!
Extremely tough game to call. Much like Houston/Indy, this is a game you can actually sit down and watch for fun. I’ll take Baltimore to even these two teams at 5-2, but it won’t be easy to go into Seattle and win. Russ Wilson is playing MVP-level football.
Matt’s Pick – Baltimore Ravens, Earl Thomas gains +1 Revenge
Fleet – A classic NFL bird-based battle.
Fleet’s Pick – Seattle Seahawks
Philadelphia Eagles (3-3, 11th in NFC) @ Dallas Cowboys (3-3, 4th in NFC)
Fleet – Speaking of being hideous to the human eye, Jason Garrett finds new ways to lose… like every game, every year. I personally hate him. The Hue Jackson of America’s team, minus a dope eyebrow scar. I hate this pick already.
Fleet’s Pick – Dallas Cowboys
Matt – Fun Stats: Road Team has won 13 of the last 18 meetings.
Dallas was missing their two starting tackles last week. They will need those players to be 100% to have a chance here.
I like Philly to take this one, but I really do think both of these teams are top-10 in the NFL. This could be a great game, or could have been one had both teams been healthy.
Matt’s Pick – Philadelphia Eagles
New England Patriots (6-0, 1st in AFC) @ New York Jets (1-4, 14th in AFC)
Matt – Fun Stats II: Fun Stats of the Ooze –
Tom Brady is 28-6 vs the Jets lifetime in the regular season; including 2-0 on Monday Nights vs the Jets. He’s also 16-7 lifetime in Monday Night games. Belichick is 18-8 on Monday Night.
Not sure Jets QB Sam Darnold is ready for the defensive onslaught that is about to be wrought upon him.
Matt’s Pick – New England Patriots
Fleet – The AFC East is the biggest waste of everyone’s time. Including the Patriots.
Fleet’s Pick – New England Patriots
Well this was my last pick of the week unimpressed reader so save it… for next week.