Matthew Ederer – DOLPHINS FAN SINCE BEFORE DAN MARINO WAS BEATEN TO A BLOODY PULP AND DRAGGED OFF THE FIELD IN A 63-7 PLAYOFF, LOSS NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE IT
F-Dawg Johnston – Browns fan. Welcome to the NFL, where everything’s made up but the points do matter?
Will this week be Drew Carey themed?…The answer to that question ladies and gentlemen is no.
Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns
Fleet – Battle for the ages. -Unnamed Big Wig
Fleet’s Pick – Cleveland Browns
Matt – HOUSEBOWL 2019! It’s my team vs Fleetwood’s team. Loser has to move out.
(RELATED: if you know anybody who needs a roommate, holler at me)
Matt’s Pick – Cleveland Browns 🙁
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons
Matt – Can’t see many people taking Tampa over the surging Falcons, which surely means Tampa will win by 45 points.
Matt’s Pick – Atlanta Falcons
Fleet – Two 3-7 teams. One game. Four quarters. Only one winner (well unless there’s a tie but if someone is hoping for a tie it’s probably some sort of tie-wearing big wig, just saying).
Fleet’s Pick – Atlanta Falcons
Denver Broncos @ Buffalo Bills
Fleet – “Pffft it’s like the author stopped his horse-based team love after 1 week, but keeps the joke going for some reason. I vote we fire him” -Unnamed big wig back for more.
Well you can’t fire me until the season is done, big wig! Look whose laughing now?
Fleet’s Pick – Buffalo Bills
Matt – This is more a pick against Buffalo than it is a pick for Denver. The Broncos are always in these games, and Buffalo always lets teams hang around. I’ll take Denver to reverse those polarities, or something.
Matt’s Pick – Denver Broncos
New York Giants @ Chicago Bears
Matt – Ugh? My heart goes out to Chicago Bears fans, and that disgusting mess they’ve had at QB. Thoughts and prayers.
Matt’s Pick – Chicago Bears, and that disgusting mess they have at QB.
Fleet – “Draft Mitchell Trubisky” – Another unnamed Big Wig
“Draft a paper bag” – Me
Right now my paper bag pre-draft ranking… not looking so bad.
Fleet’s Pick – Chicago Bears
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals
Fleet – Something, something, big wig joke, something, Pittsburgh wins? Suck it, Cincinnati Big wigs.
Fleet’s Pick – Pittsburgh Steelers
Matt – Mike Tomlin is 20-5 all-time against Cincy. And that’s when the Bengals were good!
Matt’s Pick – Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints
Fleet – Once upon a time ,there was a kid who always wanted to master the trumpet. But due to societal pressures, he became a big wig and rose the big wig ladder; faster than anyone before him. Yesterday that man died. And his last words were: “I mean, sure I big wigged it up pretty well there… but I still always wish I learned to play the trumpet” ..wow. Powerful stuff. Saints win.
Fleet’s Pick – New Orleans Saints
Matt – Uh, yeah! What he said ^
Matt’s Pick – New Orleans Saints
Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets
Matt – I will not be picking Adam Gase to win another football game all season.
Matt’s Pick – Oakland Raiders
Fleet – I had a gigantic exposé all ready finally exposing the New York Jets. You guessed it, Big Wig interference. Instead I picked them to win because if there is one thing the big wigs upstairs can’t stand, it’s an underdog.
Fleet’s Pick – New York Jets
Detroit Lions @ Washington Redskins
Fleet – The big wig’s from above pass along whispers of the Detroit win.
Fleet’s Pick – Detroit Lions
Matt – This game is so bad it could drive a man to watch the Grey Cup.
Matt’s Pick – Detroit Lions
Seattle Seahawks @ Philadelphia Eagles
Matt – Seattle is coming off of a bye, and are just generally the better-coached team. Also, Philly minus Lane Johnson = Full Jadeveon Clowney
Matt’s Pick – Seattle Seahawks
Fleet – Bird based battle!!! We have been blessed with a season stock full of these bad boys.
Fleet’s Pick – Seattle Seabirds
SUNDAY LATE SLATE
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans
Fleet – King of the anti-establishment, anti-big wig movement, Ryan “hit me with your best shot” Tannehill takes another step towards football immortality. Tearing down all that is wrong with the corporate world one snap at a time.
[Okay, so imagine for a sec that instead of a lady on a ball, it’s Ryan “wanna be a balla shot calla twenty inch blades on the Impala” Tannehill, and instead of a fake wall, he’s breaking down the corporate world. If you can imagine all that, then the gif makes total sense.]
Fleet’s Pick – Tennessee TItants
Matt – Can I pick a tie? I want to pick a tie.
As an aside, I strongly dislike Ryan Tannehill and am in the unfortunate position of having to start him this week in a 16-team league where I am 6-5 and barely hanging onto a playoff spot. I’m gonna go ahead and pick Tennessee here, put all my chips on the Tannehill table, and just lean into the hate when he throws three picks to the Jags.
Matt’s Pick – Tennessee Titans
Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots
Matt – AMERICA’S BOWL. Part of me thinks the Cowboys will try to play their old, kill the clock game. Make the Pats D stay on the field, tire them out to whatever degree that’s possible. Having said that, I just can’t pick Jason Garrett over Bill Belichick.
Matt’s Pick – New England Patriots
Fleet – The two big-wig-y-ish teams in the league going at it. Yuk! Give me Cardinals vs Sparrows (not a real team, and thus enemy of the big wigs)
Fleet’s Pick – New England Patriots
Green Bay Packers @ San Francisco 49ers
Fleet – Maybe Green Bay slows the whole “49ers are going to the Superbowl” talk. I don’t know, don’t really care either. Let’s listen to what these big wigs have to say about the game.
Matt’s Pick – Green Bay Packers
Baltimore Ravens @ Los Angeles Rams
Matt – Lamar > McVay
Matt’s Pick – Baltimore Ravens
Fleet – Well, I took a week to slam the big wigs of the world and succeeded, in tremendous fashion I may add. I guess I should take it easy on them with my final pick…psych! Eat shit Big Wigs, I picked the worse of the two teams. Underdog style, you feel me.
Fleet’s Pick – Los Angeles Rams