Fleetwood/Matt NFL Picks – Week 13

Fleetwood/Matt NFL Picks – Week 13

Sup Jabronis, and welcome to the Fleetwood/Matt NFL picks. It’s a grotesque, cold, rainy day in Toronto. Perfect day to curl up with a good book, a warm soup, and eleven straight hours of football mainlined directly to your brain.

Records will return next week for the home stretch of the season.

SUNDAY, 1:00pm

Philadelphia Eagles (5-6, 9th in AFC) @ Miami Dolphins (2-9, 15th in AFC)

Matt – Must-win game for the igls. I have bet human money on them this afternoon. Don’t see any scenario where Miami, in a game they actively should avoid winning, come out and beat the 2018 Superbowl Champions in a game those former champs can’t afford to lose.

Matt’s Pick – Philadelphia Eagles

Fleet – Poor sweet aqua mammal.

Fleet’s Pick – Philadelphia Eagles

Washington (2-9, 16th in NFC) @ Carolina Panthers (5-6, 10th in NFC)

Fleet – Washington won last week…wtf… oh yeah I forgot they were against Jeff Driskel.

Jeff Driskel’s theme.

Fleet’s Pick – Carolina Panthers

Matt – Gross

Matt’s Pick – Carolina Panthers

New York Jets (4-7, 13th in AFC) @ Cincinnati Bengals (0-11, 16th in AFC)

Matt – Gross x2. I’m going Cincy though. Andy Dalton is the king of games you don’t give a shit about. That’s where he does his best work. Yes I know the Jets just roflcoptered the Raiders, but I think they’ll be smelling themselves a little bit and will be looking past these Bengals.

Matt’s Pick – Cincinnati Bengals, FOH Adam Gase

Fleet – The holy grail of thanksgiving gifts– the Red Rifle back in action. If there is one thing the NFL community should fear more than an angry Tannehill with a head full of steam, it’s a Red Rifle looking to shoot some eyes out.

Andy Dalton circa 1983

Fleet’s PickCincinnati Bengals

Tennessee Titans (6-5, 9th in AFC) @ Indianapolis Colts (6-5, 8th in AFC)

Fleet – This Tannehill wet dream continues for Titans fans.

Hey an uptown-tannehill!

Fleet’s Pick – Tennessee Titans

Matt – Admittedly, these last two picks have been “heart” picks, rather than “head” picks. Weekly reminder that this Dolphins fan does and will forever think that Tannehill is a punk-ass punk who clowns his O-linemen for making less money than he does. I, for one, am ready for the Ry-nasainnce to die a fiery death. Colts by 600 a reasonable amount of football points.

Matt’s Pick – Indianapolis Colts

San Francisco 49ers (10-1, 1st in NFC) @ Baltimore Ravens (9-2, 2nd in AFC)

Matt – Superbowl 47 / The Harboughl Rematch aka Game of the year so far aka *puts on NFL Analyst suit* Y’KNOW I JUST MIGHT THINK WE MAY JUST MIGHT SEE THIS GAME IN FEBRUARY *hits self in face with pie*

A classic defense vs offense, something’s gotta give kinda matchup here. Although somewhat ironically, it’s a vaunted Ravens offense vs an all-caps STOUT 49ers defense (historically you’d think it would be a high-powered SF team vs a defensive juggernaut in Baltimore?). San Francisco leads the NFL with 44 sacks, and they’ve recorded at least 3 sacks in each of their last 8 games. Obviously, the key to San Francisco winning this game will be their ability to disrupt Lamar Jackson’s rhythm. Jackson is only 163 yards away from Michael Vick’s all-time single season record for rushing yards by a QB, a mark he might break 5-7 more times before his career is over.

Baltimore lost their starting Center last week, which won’t exactly help them going against the league-best pass rush in San Fran. Little things like that are going to be the difference in this one. But if you know exactly where those differences are going to occur, you’re a better man or woman than I (you’re probably a better woman than I no matter what, though. Even if you identify as a man, you’re a better woman than I. I would be a terrible woman. For one, I have a huge fucking beard. That’s not a trait you typically find on a woman — which isn’t to insult those women who do have huge fucking beards. In fact, the concept of gender itself is objectively evil now, for some reason, so hey let’s just back away from this topic immediately forever)

Gimme the 49ers! 9ers win the battle, but Baltimore wins the war if and when they play in the Superbowl.

Matt’s Pick – San Francicso 49ers

Fleet – A good game — let us all remember fondly the days of the Har-bowl and such. Jim giving his brother scrambling QB notes and wishing his team didn’t play OSU once a year.

Fleet’s Pick – Baltimore Ravens

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7, 11th in NFC) @ Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7, 11th in AFC)

Fleet – After the Jags gave Minshew the old shaft, I’m officially picking against them for the rest of the year, or until they play Washington

Poor Minshew stuck watching old movies 🙁

Fleet’s Pick – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Matt – Kind of a let down writing about this one after that last game. Loser leaves Florida match.

Matt’s Pick – Jacksonville Jaguars win, Tampa Bay LEAVES THE STATE OF FLORIDA

Green Bay Packers (8-3, 3rd in NFC) @ New York Giants (2-9, 15th in NFC)

Matt – Classic get right game for Aaron “The Family Man” Rodgers.

Matt’s Pick – Green Baie-Comeau Drakkar

Fleet – Oh to be the start of the season again…Daniel Jones was on the bench and the future was bright. Then we had to hear about how quirky and amazing Jones was for like 2 weeks after he played well against a few garbage teams. Now we’re back here, where ever this is, my head hurts and these football Giants are still playing games that I never cared about in the first place. Green Bay wins!

Fleet’s Pick – Green Bay

Cleveland Browns (5-6, 10th in AFC) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5, 6th in AFC)

Fleet – Myles Garrett and Mason battle round II. Well minus both players…neither will be making an appearance today… I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, if you have a harder time watching the helmet swing,**

for context

Versus say,




Then come on, what’s really your bias? If Myles did connect on the swing and Mason got hurt I would definitely not be saying any of this, but still. Those plays connected.

I truly believe that the excuse that “they are playing at full speed” and “it’s a football play” is scarier than what Miles Garrett did. There is evidence in all these plays of someone entering a play, late, at full speed, tackling higher than necessary, and basically targeting the head region of the player. Andrew Sendejo literally must have closed his eyes as he lowered his shoulder and knocked his own teammate out. Shit is ridiculous. The Myles Garrett helmet swing isn’t any better* but it’s the exact same thing as all the other plays in my opinion, targeted aggression with the intent to hurt the opposing player.

*Being after the play he definitely deserved a suspension. I mainly am trying to agrue the extent of the suspension is kinda dumb.

**I waited for the noise to die down before making my preachy opinion heard.

Back to picks.

Fleet’s Pick – Cleveland Browns

Matt – Pittsburgh’s current starting quarterback is reknowned for his Duck Calling ability (which, you’ll note, is not his football ability). Thus, he is known not by his given name of Devlin, but rather as DUCK HODGES. I am 99% sure Duck Hodges was Daffy Duck’s Superhero Character. Do not Google it. I am correct.

Cleveland wins via throwing a giant anvil and/or 100,000 pies on Duck Dodgers’ fucking stupid Duck face.

Matt’s Pick – Cleveland Browns


Los Angeles Rams (6-5, 7th in NFC) @ Arizona Cardinals (3-7-1, 12th in NFC)

Matt – It wouldn’t entirely shock me to see the Rams fall asleep down the stretch here. They’re unofficially eliminated from the playoffs, they have some banged-up players, and they have a long, uncertain future staring them down.

The Cards have been putting together a solid little offense, but their defense has let them down. Fortunately for them, Jared Goff hasn’t thrown a touchdown pass since October. This may end up being a get right game for Los Angeles, but I’m smelling an upset here. Cards win, Rams gets eliminated.

Matt’s Pick – Arizona Cardinals

Fleet – Hoogity boogity, whose got two thumbs and picked the Rams?

This .jpg^^^

Fleet’s Pick – Los Angeles Rams

Oakland Raiders (6-5, 7th in AFC) @ Kansas City Chiefs (7-4, 4th in AFC)

Fleet – Let us all throw collective hate towards the Raiders this week.

I hate Gruden the most.

Fleet’s Pick – Kansas City Chiefs

Matt – There are some upset whiffs here. Some wafts of upset. The Raiders are coming off of a bye, and absolutely need this game to have any shot of winning their division.

Having said that, they just lost 34-3 to the Jets. Derek Carr threw for 127, no TD and 1 INT. Oakland sucks. We all knew it. THEY WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY *hits self in face with twenty-seven consecutive pies*

Matt’s Pick – Kansas City Chiefs

Los Angeles Chargers (4-7, 12th in AFC) @ Denver Broncos (3-8, 14th in AFC)

Matt – This feels like the type of game that I usually say some combination of “Ew gross no why” about, but the debut of Drew Locke in Denver is at least intriguing. It’s been hard to predict what the Chargers will be from week to week for this entire decade, but with talk that the Chargers may bench Phil Rivers floating around, I think they may be closer to “bad” chargers than “good” chargers for the rest of the year. I’m going to take Denver here, vs the Chargers D at home.

Matt’s Pick – Denver Broncos

Fleet – Horse-based team battle you say? Count me in, and throw away the calculator.

Uptown horse?

Fleet’s Pick – Denver Broncos


New England Patriots (10-1, 1st in AFC) @ Houston Texans (7-4, 3rd in AFC)

Fleet – Bill OB trying to take down his old boss and failing miserably. Bill maybe if you were less of a Turd Ferguson…

Bill OB from his time on Jeopardy.

Fleet’s Pick – New England Patriots

Matt – Bill O’Brien is 0-4 lifetime against Bill Belichick. As much as I love Deshaun Watson and am a Texans truther, that’s all I need to know.

Matt’s Pick – New England Patriots


Minnesota Vikings (8-3, 6th in NFC) @ Seattle Seahawks (9-2, 5th in NFC)

Matt –

Matt’s Pick – Minnesota Vikings

Fleet – Here we are at the MNF game. I guess this is all I got.

Note: this week’s picks, if you haven’t guessed, have been brought to you by uptown girl, in theaters this Sunday

Fleet’s Pick – Seattle Seahawks


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