Sunday, Jan 3 2021
What a year? Pretty garbage overall, which just goes to show you, you can make it worse by cheering for the Browns. So, I give you my trivial football picks. This being the final week I thought I would make it special… (if anyone reads this that is)… so I bring you…
Ex-Browns Coaching Tree Battles of the final Week! Or: six degrees of Browns-eperation : THE REDUX (aka the chronic 2)
31 of 32 teams have ex-Browns connections here are those connections again.
Atlanta (4-11, 16th in NFC, eliminated) @ Tampa Bay (10-5, 5th in NFC, clinched Playoff Birth)
Line: TB -7.5
Matt: It’s gonna be a steady diet of Blaine Gabbert this week in Tampa, which kind of makes me think Atlanta is going to steal a close game here. Tell me you can’t see the Falcons winning this game and ruining a bunch of tickets. I’m just not picking Blaine Gabbert to win a football game. Sorry Tampa stans.
Matt’s Pick: Atlanta
Fleet: Atlanta: Tosh “no points” Lupoi ex-browns d-line coach (2019), and Joe Whitt “this or whitt that” Jr ex-browns secondary coach pass game coordinator (2019).
Tampa Bay: Todd McNair ex-Browns RB coach (2001-2003) and Todd Bowles ex-Browns secondary-nickel coach (2001-2003) and secondary coach (2004).
Simple tag team match in the opener. Falcons win this one.
Fleet’s Pick: Atlanta
Dallas (6-9, 9th in NFC) @ NY Giants (5-10, 13th in NFC)
Line: DAL -2.5
Dallas can clinch the NFC East division title with:
DAL win + WAS loss or tie
DAL tie + WAS loss
New York can clinch the NFC East division title with:
NYG win + WAS loss
Fleet: Dallas: George Edwards. Current senior defensive assistant and former Browns linebackers coach (2004)
Football GIants: Freddie “Friday Fried Fish” Kitchens for Browns HC (last year duh!) and current Giants’ Tight Ends extraordinaire.
One of those stupid strap-based matches, George whoops Freddie’s behind.
Fleet’s Pick: Dallas
Matt: Both of these teams need help from the Iggles to make the playoffs, but this is still a classic LOSER LEAVES TOWN stupid strap-based match. Copyright Bill Simmons / 1970s-80s Territorial wrestling. Dallas beats the Giants, because these Giants are terrible with or without Daniel Jones. I don’t think this game ends up meaning much, though.
Matt’s Pick: Dallas
NY Jets (2-13, 15th in AFC, eliminated) @ New England (6-9, 10th in AFC, eliminated)
Line: NE -3
Matt: The Patriots are averaging just 8.0 PPG across the past three games. The Under has hit in the last 7 New England games. It’s really hard to pick these clowns right now, but then again I truly hate Adam Gase, and have picked against him all year. I can’t break the streak now.
Matt’s Pick: 0-0 Tie. Naw, New England Probably
Fleet: Jets: The ghost of: ex-brown and former interim head coach Gregg Williams (2018) and current Jets defensive coordinator
New England: Bill Belichick ex-Browns mothafucking head coach (‘91 – ‘95)
One of those cinematic, fully pre-taped matches. This helps with the fact the Bill is 100 and Gregg is a ghost.
Fleet’s Pick: New England
Minnesota (6-9, 10th in NFC, eliminated) @ Detroit (5-10, 12th in NFC, eliminated)
Line: MIN -4.5
Fleet:Minnesota: Andre “3 Patts” Patterson, ex-Browns defensive line coach (2003-04) and current Vikings co-defensive coordinator and defensive line coach.
Detroit: Cory “the 2 Corys” Undlin, ex-Browns defensive quality control coach (2005-06), assistant special teams coach (2007), and defensive backs coach (2008) current defensive coordinator for the Lions.
The battle of the number 2 and 3 in a “I quit match”. Sadly “the 2 Corys” quits. :’(
Fleet’s Pick: Minnesota
Matt: Matt Stafford likely isn’t going to play much. Dalvin Cook is out because his father died, God rest his soul. I have no idea what to make of this game, but life is short and there are better things to do with your life than to pay attention to this garbage fire. Kirk Cousins throws for 400 yards, I guess.
Matt’s Pick: Minnesota
Pittsburgh (12-3, 3rd in AFC) @ Cleveland (10-5, 7th in AFC)
Line: CLE -9
Cleveland can clinch a playoff berth with:
TEN loss + MIA win or tie + BAL win or tie
CLE tie + BAL loss
CLE tie + MIA loss
CLE tie + TEN loss
CLE tie + IND tie
CLE tie + TEN tie + BAL win + MIA win
Matt: The Browns are devastated by COVID, but the Steelers are dealing with both COVID and apathy. Cleveland should pull this thing out, but stranger fucking things have happened than Cleveland disappointing you.
Matt’s Pick: Cleveland By Gawd Browns
Fleet: *unofficial week 6 rematch
Pittsburgh: John Mitchell, ex-Browns defensive line coach (1991-93). Current assistant head coach for the Steelers.
Cleveland: Entire staff. In theory they will all one day be ex-Browns if my math is correct.
Boy this would be a stupid end to the season if the Browns lose. Might be the year that finally causes me to quit watching football because c’mon man.
Anyways, this wouldn’t really be a match. John cuts a promo, gets rushed by the entire staff and loses.
Fleet’s Pick: Cleveland
Baltimore (10-5, 6th in AFC) @ Cincinnati (4-10-1, 13th in AFC, eliminated)
Line: BAL -14
Fleet: *Week 5 rematch.
Baltimore: Joe Cullen ex-Browns defensive line coach (2013) and current Ravens defensive line coach.
Cincinnati: Nick “It’s my season!” Eason ex-Cleveland Browns assistant defensive line coach (2013) and current Bengals defensive line coach.
Coffin match! Poor Nick gets stuffed in coffin. :’(
Fleet’s Pick: Baltimore
Matt: BIG STAT CHASE alert. Lamar Jackson currently sits at 908 rushing yards for the year. I bet he’s going for at least 92 on the ground today. Ravens romp.
Matt’s Pick: Baltimore
Miami (10-5, 5th in AFC) @ Buffalo (12-3, 2nd in AFC)
Line: BUF -2.5
Miami can clinch a playoff berth with:
MIA tie + BAL tie
MIA tie + CLE tie
MIA tie + IND tie
MIA tie + TEN loss
Matt: GIVE ME THE FUCKING FINS OR GIVE ME A COLD, GRIM WEEK 17 DEMISE
Matt’s Pick: Miami By Gawd Dolphins
Fleet: Week 2 rematch*
Miami: Steve “Can’t Forget Sarah” Marshall, ex-Browns offensive line coach (2007-08) who currently holds the same position with the mammals of the sea.
Buffalo: Brian Daboll ex-Browns offensive coordinator (2009 – 2010). Same position with the Bills. Managed by ex-Browns QB Ken Doresy current Bills QB coach.
Your regular match, but the manager interference of Doresy distracts Brian at the worst time. Costing him the match.
Fleet’s Pick: Miami
Seattle (11-4, 3rd in NFC) @ San Francisco (6-9, 11th in NFC, eliminated)
Line: SEA -7
Seattle can clinch a first-round bye with:
SEA win + GB loss + NO loss or tie
Fleet: Seattle: Jamie Yanchar, ex-Browns “According to his bio on the seahawks coaching page, “he first broke into the NFL as a volunteer with the Browns during his time as a graduate assistant at Louisville…” ” So ex-Browns volunteer? and current Seahawks strength and conditioning assistant.
San Francisco: Kyle Shanahan, ex-Brown offensive coordinator (2014), current 49ers head coach.
Aaaaaaand another stupid strap-based match because we bought a strap goddammit! We’re gonna use it!
Fleet’s Pick: Seattle
Matt: The 49ers are 1-3 in their last four games, and have won only two of their last eight. Seattle punches their ticket to the playoffs with a statement win over a 9ers team that just wants to reach the offseason.
Matt’s Pick: Seattle
Arizona (8-7, 8th in NFC) @ LA Rams (9-6, 6th in NFC)
Line: ARI -3
Arizona can clinch a playoff berth with:
ARI tie + CHI loss
Los Angeles can clinch a playoff berth with:
LAR win or tie
CHI loss or tie
Matt: The Rams haven’t lost to Arizona since Sean McVay became head coach, going 7-0 over the last 3+ seasons. Unfortunately, the Rams are missing their #1 QB, RB, and WR. Neither team is inspiring a ton of confidence going into the playoffs, but the Rams are truly decimated by this whole global pandemic thing.
Matt’s Pick: Arizona Cardinals
Fleet: Arizona: Billy Davis, ex-Browns assistant linebackers (1999) and head linebackers coach (2011-12) current Cardinals linebackers coach. Teaming with Steve Heiden ex-Browns TE (2002-09) and current Cardinal’s TE coach.
Rams: Kevin O’Connell, ex-Browns QB coach (2015) and current Rams offensive coordinator.
2 v 1 Handicap match. Possibly involving a strap. Cardinals win.
Fleet’s Pick: Arizona
Jacksonville (1-14, 16th in AFC, eliminated) @ Indianapolis (10-5, 8th in AFC)
Line: IND -14.5
Indianapolis can clinch the AFC South division title with:
IND win + TEN loss or tie
IND tie + TEN loss
Indianapolis can clinch a playoff berth with:
IND win + BAL loss or tie
IND win + CLE loss or tie
IND win + MIA loss or tie
IND tie + BAL loss
IND tie + CLE loss
IND tie + MIA loss
Fleet: Jacksonville: George “Warhigh” Warhop, ex-Browns O-line coach (2009-13) and current Jags O-line coach. Terry Robiskie, ex-Browns WR coach (2001-03 & 2005-06) and interim HC & OC (2004) current Jags RB coach. Keenan McCardell, ex-Browns WR (1992-95) current Jags WR coach.
Indianapolis: Matt Eberflus, ex-Browns linebackers coach (2009 – 2010) current Colts defensive coordinator, and Raymond Ventrone (Browns safety 2009 – 2012) current special teams coordinator.
3 v 2 Handicap match. Surprisingly the Colts win in pure underdog babyface style.
Fleet’s Pick: Indianapolis
Matt: Well, at least AEW is doing well. Jacksonville should be fun next season.
Matt’s Pick: Indianapolis
Tennessee (10-5, 4th in AFC) @ Houston (4-11, 14th in AFC)
Line: TEN -7.5
Tennessee can clinch the AFC South division title with:
TEN tie + IND tie
Tennessee can clinch a playoff berth with:
TEN tie + CLE loss
TEN tie + MIA tie
TEN tie + BAL tie
Matt: This should be a fun game! I don’t think Houston will win in the end, but they will keep it close and should cover the number. Deshaun Watson would love to spoil the Titans’ playoff hopes with a big statement win to close out the season. Unfortunately,
Matt’s Pick: Tennessee
Fleet: Tennessee: Mike “Can’t we all just have more fun-ivan” Sullivan, ex-Browns assistant line coach (2001-04) and head offensive line coach (2007-08 & 2014). He currently is the assistant o-line coach with the TItans.
Houston: Romeo Crennel ex-Browns DC (2000), HC (2005-08) and current Texans interim head coach. Carl Smith, ex-Browns QB coach (2001-03, & 2009-10) and current Texans offensive consultant. Anthony Weaver, ex-Browns d-line coach (2014-15) and current Texans defensive coordinator & dline coach.
3 v 1 Handicap match. The stable of ex-Browns rise to the occasion and defeat Mike. I’ll make this one a tornado tag match as well so all 3 Houston competitors are just in the ring immediately beating the all living crap out of Mike as soon as the bell goes. I’m talking beat down.
Fleet’s Pick: Houston
Las Vegas (7-8, 9th in AFC, eliminated) @ Denver (5-10, 12th in AFC, eliminated)
Line: LV -3
Fleet: Raidahs: Kirby “The American Dreamland Nightmare” WIlson, ex-Browns RB coach (2016-17) and current Raiders RB coach. Jim “I Can Feel” O’Neil, ex-Browns d-coordinator (2014-15) and current Raiders DB coach. Taver “The Lavender Curtain” Johnson, ex-Browns assistant special teams coach (2004) and current Raiders assistant DB coach.
Denver: Pat “A-dat-dat” Shumur, ex-Browns head coach (2011-12) and current Broncos QBs coach.
Another 3 v 1 handicap match….boy I can’t book a show. Raiders win, idk maybe involve like tables, ladders, and chair or something.
Fleet’s Pick: Las Vegas
Matt: Maybe I’m missing something here, but this feels like the safest bet of the week to me. Vegas will play hard to save some level of respect for the year, and a depleted Denver team will be hard pressed to put up much of a challenge.
Matt’s Pick: Las Vegas
LA Chargers (6-9, 11th in AFC, eliminated) @ Kansas City (14-1, 1st in AFC, clinched bye)
Line: LAC -4
Matt: THE HENNERGY Chad Henne starting at QB today for Kansas City! Chargers by multiple touchdowns.
Matt’s Pick: LA Chargers
Chargers: Pep Hamilton, ex-Browns assistant head coach and quarterbacks coach (2016) and current Chargers quarterbacks coach.
Kansas: No one, there are assholes. Constantly ruining everything.
Once again I would like to thank Kansas City for ruining this entire thing. Chargers win an exploding ring barbed wire deathmatch.
Fleet’s Pick: LA Chargers
Green Bay (12-3, 1st in NFC) @ Chicago (8-7, 7th in NFC)
Line: GB -4.5
Green Bay can clinch a first-round bye with:
GB win or tie
SEA loss or tie
Chicago can clinch a playoff berth with:
CHI tie + ARI tie
Fleet: Green Bay: Mike “the Hitman” Pettine ex-Browns head coach (2013-14) current Packers defensive coordinator.
Chicago: Chris Tabor, ex-Browns special teams coordinator (2011 – 2017) and current Bears special teams coordinator. Also, John DeFlippo ex-Browns offensive coordinator (2015) and current quarterbacks coach for the Bears.
2 v 1 handicap match. A red hue hangs over the ring “The hitman” takes care of business.
Fleet’s Pick: Green Bay
Matt’s Pick: Chicago Bears
New Orleans (11-4, 2nd in NFC) @ Carolina (5-10, 14th in NFC, eliminated)
Line: NO -6.5
New Orleans can clinch a first-round bye with:
NO win + GB loss + SEA win
Matt: New Orleans can still clinch a first round bye, but if they had no Alvin Kamara all season, they wouldn’t be a playoff team. I think Carolina, with former Saint Teddy Two Gloves at the helm, will pull off the huge upset here. Fuck your teaser.
Matt’s Pick: Carolina
Fleet: New Orleans: Pete Carmichael Jr. ex-Browns tight ends coach and offensive assistant (2000), current NO OC. Pairing with Aaron Gleen, ex-Browns assistant DB coach (2014-15) and current NO DBs coach
Carolina: Al Holcomb ex-Browns linebackers coach & run game coordinator 2019, current Panthers run game coordinator. Brian Angelichio, ex-Browns tight end coach (2014-15) and current tight ends coach for the Panthers.
2 v 1… a jeez this is becoming awful. Better idea on paper I guess. Maybe bring back the strap and have Angelichio manage.
Fleet’s Pick: Carolina
Washington (6-9, 4th in NFC) @ Philadelphia (4-10-1, 15th in NFC, eliminated)
Line: WSH -4
Washington can clinch the NFC East division title with:
WSH tie + DAL loss or tie
Fleet: Football team: Scott Turner, ex-Browns WR coach (2013) and current Football team’s offensive coordinator.
Eagles: Jim Schwartz, ex-Browns scout (1993-95) and current defensive coordinator for Philly. Ken Flajole, ex-Browns inside linebackers coach (2013-15) and current Eagles linebacker coach. Finally Tim Hauck, ex-Browns defensive backs coach (2012) and current Eagles safeties coach.
This final match is more of a song and dance number than a wrestling match.
Fleet’s Pick: Philadelphia
Matt: After all this, Washington’s playoff hopes may rest in the hands of QB Taylor Heinicke. Hurts started the last 3 games and has completed 54.9% of his passes for 847 yards with 5 touchdowns and 2 interceptions while running for 238 yards with a TD on 38 carries. Philly is 1-2 in his starts. The record isn’t great, but the numbers are pretty solid. Eagles spoil the party for Washington and run Hurts’ record to .500.
Matt’s Pick: Philadelphia